I’M A WINDOW SHOPPER

Here we go, it’s time. The madness has begun, the reporters across the country are digging out their thermals and club executives are cramping up at the thought of those hideous cheques they’re about to write. Welcome, to the January transfer window.

Unlike retail there are very few sales or deals to be found, in fact, it’s the opposite. Not quite a 5am queue outside Next looking for 15% off a pair of woolly socks but prepare yourself for overpriced, overrated, agent-pushing, farcical fees for footballers… as opposed to the summer window where, well, all of the above still happens.

To make the dealings a tad more digestible I’ve whipped up a few bankers to watch out for over the coming weeks.

Let’s start with the obvious one…

It’s The Most Wengerful Time Of The Year.
Keep an eye on; Arsenal being linked with a player you’ve never heard of.

To be fair, I’m a tad late on this one as its already begun. Yesterday Arsenal announced the signing of Greek defender Konstantinos Mavropanos… I know mate, statement of intent or what. No doubt over the coming days, weeks and months we’ll hear about how he once scored nine in an under 15 International and he has so much potential he’s the Greek equivalent of Tony Adams.

I may be wrong and in a few years we’ll be popping Mavropanos in the same bracket Yossi Benayoun, Kim Kallstrom and Cohen Bramall as one of the greatest mid-season purchases by Wenger, we know he has a faultless record when it comes to January buys.

What A Load Of Balag’s
Keep an eye on; Guillem Balague, ‘so called’ football expert and his “done” deals.

Alongside Garth Crooks, every time I hear this man speak I question if he’s so clever and informed that it’s above my level or could it possibly be is he that far off the mark, once again, that he must own shares in the company to keep getting work. Guillem is the go to for SkySports on any Spanish transfer activity.

Anything slightly sun swept or laced with sangria, this guy knows the deal. Remember when he told us before anyone that Sergio Ramos had penned a deal with Manchester United… oh wait, no that didn’t happen did it. Erm, what about that summer, sorry, every summer, when he tells us how Cristiano Ronaldo still loves United and will be there by the end of the week? No, didn’t happen either did it.

He’s already come out with the fact Phillipe Coutinho is Barca bound, something I think we all have guessed. In fact, Nike even let slip on their official website he was about to “Light up the Nou Camp” but you keep up those exclusives, Guillem.

I’m Dreaming Of A Jim White January
Keep an eye on; Jim’s yellow tie bursting out the wardrobe.

A man we all know and love. A man we trust to bring us the latest news on transfer dealings and the only man on TV who can midshow, live on air, glance down at his phone or take a call from an acquaintance… He must be on an all-you-can-eat tariff because that phones ringing more than a PPI salesman.

His exciting, direct presenting style makes the final few hours before the window slams shut box office and is now synonymous with some big deals being done at the death. Don’t ever change, Jim.

Out With The Old Trafford, In With The New.
Keep an eye on; Manchester United being linked with every single player that has a pulse and once scored since April 2009.

It must be incredibly tiring as a United fan being teased with all these lucrative names every time a window rolls around. It usually comes about in the least imaginative ways too. Either a big players agent has hinted the player wants a new deal and because of Uniteds financial clout they are top of the pile to flog them too.

Or Antoinne Greizmann’s brother has tweeted a picture of the food place ‘Subway’… Hang on, isn’t there one of those chains just off Sir Matt Busby Way in Manchester?! It’s blatantly already been agreed then… actually come to think of it, the number 7 shirt is vacant too isn’t it?! Done deal, I’m off to get the ‘phone hands’ tattoo’d on my chest and start thinking up an ‘Antoinne is a red’ chant for the Stretford End. Chill out, until Agent P books a basketball court and lavish villa in Miami nothing is real.

Klopp Till You Drop
Keep an eye on; Liverpool are urging Jurgen, “we need defenders because Loris can’t Karius”.

Liverpool are just irresistible going forward aren’t they. Utterly destructive. The fab four sharing goals around like giant Christmas toblerone. Mo Salah’s 20+ goals haven’t fixed the problem, however. The best way to describe Liverpool is like a really expensive cheese grater. Looks flashy and slick, can cut through anything with sumptuous ease but still has far too many holes in and it’s only got good for one half.

Luckily for Liverpool fans, they have a quick fix. Once again Fenway Sports Group asked for Southampton vouchers for Christmas and Father Christmas did the deed. Cashed in already to the tune of £75million for Virgil Van Dijk and the longest running (most boring) transfer saga is finally tucked away. Will that sort the defensive frailties? Or will it be like trying to patch up the Titanic with duct tape? Only time will tell.

“Evan I Said The Should Have Kept Him”
Keep an eye on; EVERY SINGLE PUNDIT saying Manchester United shouldn’t have sold Jonny Evans in the first place.

We’ve all seen that the importance of strong, dependable defenders in the Premier League has inflated the market to ludicrous numbers (see above for VVD) but Jonny Evans rumoured departure from The Hawthorns has been met with a general nod of commendation. Well, that and probably a £200million price tag.

A reliable, consistent performer for West Brom since his move from United back in 2015, he now has all the big hitters sniffing around for his services. Cue every former player berating the Old Trafford hierarchy for letting him go… Call me cynical but I don’t remember anyone batting an eyelid when he departed especially when Marcos Rojo, Daley Blind, Mateo Darmian and Luke Shaw all came through the door to replace the void left by Evans.

That said, the Northern Ireland international would be a welcome addition to most top-flight sides. In other news, the same pundits also predicted the world would end in 2012, they predicted England would beat Iceland comfortably in 2016 and they’ve got next Friday’s winning lottery ticket tucked into the brim of their bowler. This analogy can be used for the majority of players once at a big club, simply replace the name ‘Jonny Evans’ and reuse. De Bruyne, Salah, Matic etc.

Peter O’Dearwinge
Keep an eye on; A future deadline day classic story.

Just think, Peter Odemwinge, once one of the most inform forwards in the Premier League, bagging 15 goals in his debut season for West Bromwich Albion, now forever known for a failed move to QPR.

He was Odemwinging his way down the motorway probably belting out a bit of ‘Animal’ by Conor Maynard and Wiley (number 2 in the charts at the time) dreaming of a debut goal at Loftus Road. However, as we know, his club at the time, WBA, rejected the approach from QPR without telling the Nigerian forward leaving him sat in the car park dejected, unwanted and disappointed.

Not sure it’ll ever happen again but in the off chance any professional footballer is reading this debating his own last minute A road dash just remember, McDonalds will now fine you if you stay in the carpark longer than 90minutes so, think ahead.

 

Last Minute Chopping
Keep an eye on; The groundsman spitting teeth about the ‘Keep Off The Grass’ sign being ignored by a helicopter pilot at 11:55pm.

Let’s be honest, this is what we live for. We’re desperate for a big name to swoop down from the skies, sign on the dotted line and smash a barrel load of goals instantaneously.

Picture the scene… the clock is ticking, you’ve missed out on your top three targets and just as the night digs you feel dejected and wallow in footballing despair. But wait, what’s that noise, you glance up to see a whirring rotor and a beaming light beginning its descent. Sat in the passenger, headphones wrapped around his greasy ponytail you see, grinning, the Geordie giant, Andy Carroll. Happy New Deal.

 

Contracts, What A Pain In The Arsene
Keep an eye on; Not just Arsenal but a shed load of Premier League clubs facing a fight to tie down their want away players.

We all know Alexis, Ozil and Wilshere are lurking by the Emirates summer exit door but it’s not just Wenger facing a numbers headache. Manchester United’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Luke Shaw and Marouane Fellaini’s deals all expire in the summer. As do City rivals Fernandinho and Yaya Toure.

In addition to this players with six-months remaining on their current deals can sign a pre-contract agreement with foreign sides as of now. Prepare yourself for agents earning their pennies by plugging their players in every possible avenue. The back pages, the front pages, Zoopla, AutoTrader, Celebrity Big Brother, nowhere is safe.

 

More Clauses Than A North Pole Family Piss Up
Keep an eye on; The numbers, the fees, the agents cut, instalments, bonuses, incentive based promises, the lot.

Football clubs aren’t short of a few bob, so please, do us all a favour and just pay the money. Everyone wants a deal, no one wants to see a penny more escape their padlocked wallet, so they dress it up in a 700-page document with millions of discrepancies and sky-high promises that make up the final figure.

Say the figure wanted is £100million, the club will hardly ever pay that. They’ll want to pay £45million up front, £15million across three-years, then another £10milion if he ever wins the Balon D’Or. A further £10million will be shelled out if the team he’s joining wins any silverware, £5million once he’s got his own car parking space at the training ground, £2million when a child asks for the players name on the back of his shirt, £3million when he gets paparazzi snap him in a local nightclub.

The final £10million pound is usually reserved for if the player ever gets selected in a Human World XI against an Alien life form squad beamed down from Mars to play for the rights to Earth.
Whatever happens, we’re in for a tantalising few weeks deals dipping in and out, managers getting rattled and moaning in press conferences, players and agents wanting more money and Arsenal Fan TV racking up the views because of another Wenger out rant… Actually, when you put it like that, it’s just the same as every other month on the football calendar.

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy,

Oh yeah, and Happy New Year.

Losses Lose Bosses

Ronald hasn’t got a Kloeman as Toffee’s sticky run continues and life’s a Bilic for Slav’s Hammers who got another nailing.

The race is on to get to the front of the job centre queue as the managerial merry-go-round picks up pace. Make sure that Football Manager Champions League win with Hemel Hempstead Town is on your CV; you might get a phone call.

Another woeful outing from Everton at Goodison Park on Sunday with Arsenal mauling their way to a 5-2 win after Idrissa Gana Gueye eye saw red midway through the second half.

An early Wayne Rooney strike had one or two dreaming of a turn in fortunes but much like a midweek defeat to Lyon in the Europa League Everton hit the self-destruct button.

Defensively shambolic, offensively blunt and not a lot in the middle really sums up how, despite the millions invested, the clock has been ticking for a while.

We all dream of a team of number tens… True, but just ask the Blues on Merseyside if it’s practical. Spoiler – it’s not.

Gylfi Sigurdsson, Davy Klaassen and Wayne Rooney were all brought in for big bucks in the window but without a genuine goal threat to combine with, finding the back of the net has been rare.

The question of Koeman’s influence in the recruitment has to be raised. If he has sanctioned the move for three like-for-like players, and failed to buy a proven goalscorer with the £150million summer spending, then he’s been digging his own grave since June.

His shopping list must have looked more basic than a University freshers.

Just three teams have scored less than free spending Everton in the Premier League this season, Swansea, Huddersfield Town and Crystal Palace. To be fair, Rooney has scored more on nights out this season than his side has in the Premier League.

Similar questions cannot be asked of Slaven Bilic in the capital, however. Joe Hart, Marko Arnautavic and Javier Hernandez arriving in the summer was arguably the shrewdest business of them all but results and performances have not followed.

With the ninth highest net spend in the window and the recent return of Andy Carroll the Hammers squad looks in the best shape it has for sometime. It’s a different story for Slav’s hairline though, which is looking barer than the home end did at fulltime on Friday night.

It’s worth pointing out the obvious, but a lack of invention going forward and a leaky rearguard are never going to stand you in good stead.

The London Stadium must cease to become a go-to excuse. A season deep into their tenure, if you’ve not adapted yet or dealt with the change, that’s purely unacceptable.

And, that said, many of those wearing claret and blue won’t have experienced much of an Upton Park life so it’s a cop-out that needs to be muted. The fans, rightly so, miss the atmosphere, the prestige and the football from the Boleyn but you have to move with the times.

It seems more of a stylistic crisis with numerous attempts to play direct on Friday night to the five-foot-nine-inch Hernandez who is hardly the ideal target man. I mean, imagine playing catch with Wolverine, it’s going to be a waste of time and a waste of a good ball.

A 3-0 home defeat to a newly promoted side will always invite pressure and, as good as Brighton were, West Ham were nothing short of an embarrassment.

They say it’s not the defeats that cause pain it’s the manner of them and for both of these sides the lack of inspiration or motivation on the field of play has the faithful chewing the corners off the match day programme.

It may be Halloween season, but the scariest thing for both managers is their league position. Neither can feel hard done by if they are shown the door in the coming hours as these managerial horror stories have already written their own nightmare endings.

It’s worth pointing out, both sets of owners have stuck by men under pressure previously, so it wouldn’t be unheard of to see them in the dugout for their midweek cup outings… Both sides have tough ties though so it might be more beneficial to their final win percentage if they were ousted before then.

The Hammers hierarchy may have their eye on saving a few quid knowing Bilic’ is out of contract in the summer but will they bulk at the price and sulk at the performance? Or pay up to make sure they stay up.

Farhad Moshiri’s billions may be enough attract some of Europe’s elite bosses into the dressing room or will he trust the Dutchman currently in the hot seat and open the chequebook again in January to find a fix… If it’s not too late.

Bookies have been slashing their odds on both to get the chop and with markets open for both successors it could be a case of when, not if.

Early favorites are David Unsworth (Everton) and Manuel Pellegrini (West Ham) but names like David Moyes, Roberto Mancini and Carlo Ancelotti have also been floated around… Although, If either could get King Carlo back in the country I’ll print this off and tuck into it for my lunch.

Two wonderful football clubs, steeped in history, backed by the loyalist of fanbases and realistic expectations, whoever takes over (if the posts become available) will have a mouthwatering project if they can find the formula.

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy,

We’re Off to RASHia

United wonderkid Marcus makes up for blunder to all but bag our place at the World Cup.

Aaaaand breathe. The international break is done, we can return to tinkering over our fantasy football team, placing ridiculous 48 team accumulators and discussing the latest dodgy refereeing decisions in the Premier League.

But, before we dig out our lucky socks and head out for a good old-fashioned 3pm kick off on Saturday we must look back on a successful, slightly boring yes, but still a successful week for England.

Friday night against Malta… The less said the better. It’s hard to take any positives from games like that because we expect England to slam four, five, six, seven past the minnows and roll on through like a pre-season fundraiser for a church roof but it’s never really the case.

Let’s be fair, at half time we were all tugging out strands off hair, except Wayne Rooney, not only has he not got too many strands to be pulling at but he’s got bigger drinks to down at the moment.

No disrespect to Malta but this should have been a Mayweather McGregor evening… actually, scrap that because I backed McGregor and I think the Notorious had more chance of a finishing blow than the Maltese Maradona, Michael Mifsud (Google him, Danny Rose already has).

Eventually we nicked a few late goals but overall the evening was the footballing equivalent of a Gareth Southgate anecdote.

I’m always a bit harsh on Southgate, probably unfairly, but I struggle to feel motivated or inspired by a man who always looks like he’s won a raffle prize to be in the dugout.

His squad selections and new approach to International duty must be credited though. A larger squad with no withdrawals’ may seem like a given, but it’s not, and it means we are slowly but surely wandering towards the correct location.

Slovakia at Wembley was always going to be a sterner test and in parts I felt we produced some solid passages of play. Jordan Henderson may not be many fans first pick to take the armband and not quite in the Terry/Adams/Butcher mould of leader but he’s certainly a man who demands a lot of himself physically on the pitch. He did get overrun early on but second half drastically improved.

Seconds into the game and Marcus Rashford’s overplaying in a dangerous area lost possession before a neat one-two gave Stanislav Lobotka a Wembley moment he’ll never forget.

Eric Dier’s shin levelled things up before halftime and then England’s brightest prospect Rashford swung a right footed shot into the far corner on 59 minutes to secure the points and leave Southgates men just two-points from qualification.

A good result, some patches of promise and a few of the Spurs lads got to feel a Wembley win, which was nice for them.

Now, I don’t post frequently anymore so I’ll take this opportunity to “predict” the XI who will start for the first game in Russia… should we make it.

Obviously I can’t predict injuries or Ozil-esque missing symptoms but this is how I think it’ll go…

Jack Butland will be the number 1. It’ll happen. I’m a Joe Hart fan and he’s an essential part of the squad with his leadership qualities but the lads chocolate wrists are beginning to break up like a brittle 99p Easter Egg found down the back of the sofa in November. Butland would have been in sticks already were it not for an ankle injury but now he’s back and playing regularly it’s only a matter of time before he returns to the fold.

(This is predicted on a 4-2-3-1 shape)

Kyle Walker / Ryan Bertrand as full backs. With both Nathaniel Clyne and Danny Rose still yet to recover from injury these lads are in pole position to get the nod. Trent Alexander-Arnold will get more and more gametime under Klopp at Liverpool this year and could be a little outsider for a squad place at the World Cup too if you fancy a flutter.

Michael Keane / Gary Cahill at the heart of the defence. This I think was the toughest area to predict, purely because there are so many serious options. Cahill as Chelsea captain will give the experience needed and Keane’s move to Everton will show he is a top-level performer. Phil Jones, Chris Smalling and John Stones are all in with a shout of starting but with the competition for places at their club sides so rife it’ll be touch and go to see if any can hammer down a consistent place for months on end, if they can, it’s anyone’s jersey.

Eric Dier / Jordan Henderson will be the pair to dictate our possession centrally. Both took a fair bit of stick in the Slovakia game for their lack of mobility but with the attacking options we have going forward Southgate may sacrifice their offensive duties for a more sturdy, disciplined role.

Raheem Sterling / Dele Alli / Marcus Rashford as the three in behind. I’ve gone for Sterling ahead of Ox again, purely based on predicted club form. Ox at Liverpool will probably find himself operating from a deeper role so that may give Sterling the edge in a wider position. Alli is the first name on the team sheet and barring some hideous change of career or a nine-month ban for flicking the bird to a referee he’ll be there as our number 10. Three words that England fans have been shouting for months on end now so Gareth, listen up. Rashford. Must. Play. This kid is the real deal, frightening pace, direct, tricky and fearless to pull the trigger, he has to play.

Up top, of course, Harry Kane. One of Europe’s most feared marksmen. Lethal from anywhere inside 30-yards, holds the ball up brilliantly, runs in behind, links up with Alli the lad has the lot and we need to play to his strengths. I swear to god if he even trots towards the corner flag for a set-piece I will slide-tackle the TV off the wall.

A few names I wouldn’t be shocked to see on the plane next summer could be Nathaniel Chalobah and Andre Gray from Watford, Ruben Loftus-Cheek on loan at Crystal Palace, Danny Drinkwater at Chelsea and Tammy Abraham on loan at Swansea.

Ignoring my Chelsea bias in there all of the lads named above could give a different option to the management if their Premier League performances match up.

I don’t want to brag too much but I did back Rashford (at 80/1 at the time) to go to the Euros after he scored on his debut for United so my track record for this kind of stuff is pretty bang on.

Anyway, enough of this, Glenn Hoddle, you may return to your cottage by the Sea and watch videos of your England managerial career to pick up tips until the next break.

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy,

5-A-Pied

Five fantasy footballers that might have been swerved by the mainstreamers but if you’re caught sleeping on these lads, you *might regret it. (*probably won’t)

It’s back, finally… no, mate not just my articles, apologies for the lack of uploads but I had so many episodes of The Bill on record I just couldn’t stop watching, REAL football is back.

I’ve taken a breather from Sun Hill now so forget your dodgy reality TV and our bang average summer because it’s time to get serious and focus on the real world of… Fantasy football… that sounded better in my head to be honest.

Everything is on the line – bragging rights in the office, the wittiest team names, a few quid on the line and most importantly a money-can’t-buy (non-existent) crown to the 2017/18 champion.

I compare my fantasy football skills to my culinary prowess, it starts off as a great idea, then I realise I’ve no idea what I’m doing before googling the answer and making do with a mediocre mess in front of me. But this year is going to be different!

I’ve done my scouting (by that I mean I’ve been so desperate for football I ended up watching highlights of Huddersfield, Swansea and Bournemouth’s pre-season campaigns… I know but it’s that or Love Island, mate and I refuse to succumb to peer pressure.)

I’ve had a word with a few experts (well, TalkSport have given some tips and I’ve read Paul Merson’s column) and most importantly I’ve got my team name sorted, Pathetico Madrid. Decent.

Ready for my five golden picks you need to weave into your XI? These aren’t the ones that jump off the page but they’re decent value, will score points on a regular basis and will allow you the freedom to go and pick yourself some bigheads.

Picking a team on a budget and refusing to pay the big bucks? Sounds like a Tottenham Hotspur pre-season briefing doesn’t it? But you have my word, these lads won’t bottle it at the tail end of the season.

Some similarities though, Danny Rose didn’t want to be in my fantasy team either…

The GK you need in is Wayne Hennessey. Palace look well set up under Frank DeBoer and will need to be well drilled to stop another relegation threatened season. At £4.5million, stick him between the sticks and watch him palm some points your way. This one is a bit of a gamble tbf but with newly promoted Huddersfield on the opening day I’d back the Eagles for a clean sheet.

One defender that gets overlooked a lot is Christian Fuchs at Leicester. Last year was a torrid season for the former champions but they now look more settled under Shakespeare so I’d fancy them for a mid-table finish and Fuchs will be instrumental to that. With the addition of Maguire to the heart of the Foxes defence, they’ll concede less so assists, clean sheets and the odd goal could be headed your way provided you don’t ‘Fuch him off’.

In the middle of the park we’ve gone for an ever-present in the Rafa revolution, Matt Richie. This lad has a wand of a left peg and will be lining up every set-piece the Toon have. Rafa is an intelligent man so be prepared for a lot of well-worked set-piece maneuvers with Richie at the heart of them. At £6million a lot of Newcastle’s survival will rely on his quality so get him in your squad and save yourself some dough at the same time.

Now, here’s where the fun begins, our guy up top. We’ve picked a plucky Italian who finished last year averaging a goal every other game. Add to that four bonus points and an assist this could be the season of Manolo Gabbiadini. £7million is a shed load cheaper than the big hitters and whilst everyone sneaks in Kane, Aguero and Lukaku you could nab some secret points from the Saints hit-man. If you ignore all of the above, this is the lad you’ll regret sleeping on most.

Now, last year my picks flopped hard so take all of these with a pinch of salt and I have tried to give some alternative players.

It’s easy to say ‘Select Kane’ ‘Get DeBruyne in’ or ‘Stick Alonso as Captain opening day against Burnley’. But realistically everyone is doing the same and the difference between Champions League and Sunday League will be who you can have picking up points that they don’t have, so shop around.

I don’t want to be hypocritical so I’ll come clean, I’ve only got one of these four in my squad (I won’t tell you which one though) However I can assure you once the opening weekend is out the way I’ll be thundering a few of these into my XI.

Good luck for the campaign, unless you’re in my work league, in which case, why are you snaking my tips for, get out!

Stay clever,

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy.

A Glossary Of Terrace Talk

Something a little different this week. Instead of me ranting, moaning and complaining about some minor football issue we’ve seen this weekend I thought I’d open up into the world of footballing phrases.

These are the ones you hear spat out in every level from Sunday league right up to Europe’s elite sides. From pundits to press officers, they all love a coded phrase, so here are ten of my faves, translated into every day language… Manager jargon can be interpreted slightly differently.

Firstly let’s get warmed up with a few words that are often used in football chat. Worldie means very good and Stanchion are the weird brackets in the back top corners of the goal, just a few very simple, relevant words you’ll probably hear if you get dug into a conversation, they’re all yours now, enjoy.

We won’t go through all the usual ‘It’s a game of two halves’ sayings because they’ve been done a million times over so I’ve selected a few that have been heard recently and may not be most common.

 

“He’s just not that sort of player” – One you will have heard a lot in recent weeks since the Neil Taylor leg-breaking challenge on Seamus Coleman. Usually spouted in defence of the offender by a manager or fan or pundit. Ask yourself have you ever heard of a player that is that type of player?

Translation – It was probably accidental because he’s not plastered in tattoos, sacrificing chickens on Saturday and burning out a Harley Davidson outside a council estate.

 

“Can he do it on a cold, wet Tuesday night in Stoke” – Without doubt, the best phrase used by football fans. It’s usually in jest of a top quality player playing abroad questioning whether his hat-trick in the Champions League is enough proof of his ability. Until he can wrestle free of Ryan Shawcross’ man marking, dart towards the ball, flick it up and smash a bicycle kick into the postage stamp, is he even worth talking about?

Translation – This lad is exceptionally good, but let’s not give him too much credit until he’s turned water into wine and fed a village of 900.

 

“I didn’t see it” – Aaahhh the Arsene Wenger go to. He loves this one (once he’s found the zipper on his coat) usually referring to another theatrical performance from one of his players or a hideous decision from the officials. Usually balanced out with a rhetorical, smug answer of “I did see it but I prefer not to speak about this” (Aka, the Mourinho).

Translation – Everyone saw it. It was completely the wrong decision, you don’t need to ask me that and if I respond I’ll get in trouble. Do you want to pay the £25,000 fine for me? No? Well then, move on.

 

“He’s a quiet lad with a good head on his shoulders” – Usually in reference to an academy graduate breaking into the first team. Yet to buy his ninth Rolex and Overfinch Range but still got the tramlines cut into his barnet. Could be a baller in the making if they can keep his attitude problem a secret and flog him to the highest bidder next summer.

Translation – Usually the geekiest looking youngster on the circuit, in bed by 10pm except on a Friday when he pops down the local for an orange juice and swans in just a smidge past 11… Lad.

 

“I have never seen anything like that before” – Whether it be a worldie from 25-yards into the stanchion or a two-footed lunge go unpunished, we’ve seen almost everything now. Unless Mike Dean rises like a salmon at the far stick three minutes into injury time to nick a winner for Spurs, we’ve probably seen something similar happen before, so leave it out.

Translation – We haven’t seen anything like this since, well, erm last weekend probably. Yeah, then I remember vaguely something similar happening, but that was the first one I’d seen since, well the week before that… etc. etc.

 

“He’s lost the dressing room” or “The players aren’t playing for him” – Referring to the manager’s lack of influence over his playing staff when results are going down the pan. It’s a huge cop out used by fans because their gaffer isn’t prancing along the touchline smashing water-bottles into Row Z. One of the most overused terms used by under-qualified fans, how on earth would any of us know if he had “lost the dressing room”… Unless you’re reading this and you’ve got a squad number, if you are, what are you doing reading this? Get back to training and stop slacking.

Translation – The players have gone back to their useless selves. He conjured up a minor miracle and made them decent, now look, they’re back to being wack. SACK THE BOARD.

 

He’s a “No nonsense” or “old-fashioned player” – Basically, he smashes challenges like he’s breaking into an Easter egg, takes pride in clearing the ball out of the stadium and doesn’t wear gloves (even when it’s snowing…). Blood stains on his t-shirt, a nose more crooked than Sepp Blatter and plain black, leather boots. None of this fancy gold trim on his wheels, oh no, a good solid pair of Puma Kings with each of his victims… I mean, opponents, squad numbers carved into the tongue.

Translation – No-one will ever buy him from this team. He was born here, he will die here. He has kicked the ball less times than the oppositions striker so far this season and in his ten appearances he’s been sent off four times (all of which he claimed to have ‘got the ball’ and the other lad ‘made a meal of it’)

 

“He’s got an absolute wand of a left peg” – A term only ever heard about a lefty. For some reason seeing a goal scored with the left foot looks 10x better than a right footer, no idea why, it just does. It’s an accurate description of anyone who can strike a ball on their left side from 30-yards.

Translation – He can score with his left foot from anywhere outside the area. Goalkicks, he’ll take em’ and probably score. Throw-ins? Drop them too his feet and watch him fizz a diag to the opposite flank.

 

“They’re a team that like to play football” – Obvious one? Not quite. Talking about your Barcelona’s, your Bayern Munich’s, your Arsenal’s, side’s that don’t mind knocking the ball about for 20 minutes solid. The most ridiculous phrase ever used though, everyone likes playing football, that’s why they play football… well that and the £200k a week wage might sweeten the pot. Never in reference to a side that is physical, strong or assertive it’s about the cute, pretty sides that keep the ball on the floor and never shoot from more than 15 yards away.

Translation – They pass a lot, and I mean a lot. I once went for a hotdog on 15 minutes, came back at 27 and Pique and Mascherano we’re still doing one-twos on the edge of the box.

 

“The club is in crisis” – Fam, blood, fam, fam, fam, Wenger Out fam. Arsenal is a prime cause of this term being used weekly. Arsenal Fan TV does some superb work talking to fans where there is a genuine split of opinion. It is a crisis if Arsenal don’t finish in the top four because that is the size of that club, when people claim that you can’t have a crisis unless your going out of business it makes me laugh. Why not? It’s like saying you can’t say your hungry unless you haven’t had a meal in 3 weeks and are starving to death. Context is everything.

Translation – It’s pretty bad in terms of football but in the real world, these
problems are minor. Unless you are at a club in a genuine state, but usually these are the fans that moan and sensationalise the least.

 

Well, I hope these have been useful next time you’re sat in the boozer watching Soccer Saturday and just a little extra piece of jargon busting, ignore every tip Paul Merson gives you. Amazing pundit, top class footballer but dreadful luck in predicting results.

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy.

Friend or Defoe?

There is a Jermain sized headache appearing for gaffer Gareth after veteran poachers Wembley opener.

Thank god that’s over, International football is such a drag isn’t it but don’t worry the Premier League returns in a matter of days.

We dug a win out over some European minnows and played our part in another dull friendly which doubled up as Lukas Podolski’s over the top testimonial (the gladiator music was a bit much wasn’t it…) but we will come on to that, let’s start with the positives.

Gareth Southgate is fitting into international football pretty naturally so far, he did initially have a kind of teaching assistant deputising feel to start with but now he’s gone fully fledged Geography lecturer on us with his ‘do it yourself’ hair cut and brown shoe combo.

There’s a video doing the rounds which is from Gareth’s playing career where he states he only drinks water in the week but will have a few beers at the weekend… suddenly Wayne Rooney’s omission makes sense.

I’m giving him a bit of a hard time already and oddly enough I’m pretty impressed with what he has done so far… I know, what’s happening, England and positive in the same sentence, I’ve not heard that since they started drug testing Sunday morning “footballers”.

We have to remember that Germany are a class above, we are brilliantly deluded in this country into thinking our footballing elite are on a par with the best in the planet… no chance.

We know our place, we know our potential and we have to build on that so pessimistically looking at a game against the world champions ‘B’ team was a pretty even affair, bloody dull, but even.

So positives to be had from Dortmund on Wednesday night? I thought our new shape was encouraging and gave us a fresh, enthusiastic approach to the game. We see it deployed week in, week out by Antonio Conte at the Bridge and it’s been excellent to watch. A solid, disciplined base with captain Cahill leading and debutant Michael Keane slotting into like an old glove.

The most demanding role is the wing-back/wide midfielder roles but with players like Danny Rose, Kyle Walker, Nathaniel Clyne and Ryan Bertrand as options there, we have the quality to play with this shape.

It also allows our attacking players, where we’re probably most gifted, to get on the ball more, drift into areas they can’t on a more rigid formation and be more expansive. Playing this way with the form Dele Alli and Adam Lallana are in is certainly very encouraging and Southgate has to be applauded for acknowledging this early doors.

Then we get to the negative side. England letting us down In someway shape or form on the international stage is about as predictable as Gordon Ramsay’s swear jar being full.

Let’s quickly breeze over this because it’s been covered by proper publications and I don’t want to give the idiots any more time then they’ve already stolen but there were some unsavoury sights midweek that brought shame, once again, on our footballing brand.

The lack of respect, the chanting and the despicable behaviour by some of the England fans in Dortmund on Wednesday night was deplorable. We have some of the greatest fans on the planet who travel coast to coast to see our boys play and then we have some morons who continuously embarrass us by representing the country in completely the wrong way. I don’t know how you can pinpoint this issue and completely abolish it from the game but it needs to happen, and fast.

Now onto Lukas Podolski. What a career, what a character and what a left foot. The boy has got a wand of a left peg and, as he has his entire career, dealt a sledgehammer of a strike right into the postage stamp to decide the game on the night. Congrats Lukas, you’ve represented your country well.

Niceties aside, was that really the gladiator music they played when he got subbed off? Is this where football is heading?

It would be funny if we now had players with their own theme tunes as they were introduced or substituted tho, Wayne Rooney would have Smashmouth (because of the Shrek reference, harsh I know), Dele would have Sandi Thom ‘I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker’ (that video of him singing it is still a belter) and Raheem Sterling would probably have Jessie J ‘Price Tag’ (One for you Liverpool fans out there). If you have any suggestions for more footballer theme tunes feel free to tweet me them @_ItsJJ.

I just hope next time we get an invite to a retirement party they lay on some sausage rolls because that, a 90’s cheese disco and an old, former employee cracking his trousers down for a funny photocopying prank are the only things that could have saved another instalment of ITV’s dullest midweek internationals.

Sometimes I think the only way I could care less about switching it on would be if Harry Hill started to commentate like You’ve Been Framed, that’d tip me over the edge.

It may not have been a blockbuster of a game but it was mildly encouraging in patches so ahead of the Lithuania game, surely, we were oozing confidence.

Foolishly, once again, I had a flutter on England to win 4-0 and Dele first goalscorer… That’ll teach me to be ambitious.

We got the result, that’s the main thing.

Only two things to pick out from the game worth mentioning, really, Jermain Defoe being the headline.

What a wonderful player he is. Without doubt jumping straight to the top of the pile as my favourite international moment was little Bradley Lowery leading England out alongside his best mate Jermain Defoe.

A beautiful moment, a wonderful gesture from captain Joe Hart too.

Defoe did what Defoe does and now Gareth has a bit of a headache.

He will be 36-years-old when the next international tournament rolls around, will that be asking a bit much from him to contribute? Not for me, if he’s scoring, get him on the plane.

Age is but a number, I mean, don’t give Bobby Charlton the nod because his goal scoring is probably on top of him now (somewhere his hair has never been) but as long as they are playing top-flight football and performing at that level weekly why would their age concern us?

The other thing was Jamie Vardy taking the opportunity to launch his new range of guyliner, which will be on sale from all Bargain Booze outlets. Opening day offer of a free pen with every crate of WKD purchased, use the code ‘Get Banged’ for a further 10% off.

One step closer to qualification, that’s probably the bottom line and the only thing we can really learn from the past weeks football is Russell Crowe is just a poor mans Lukas Podolski.

Just a quick side note too, I’m sure you will echo this, best wishes to Seamus Coleman who suffered a hideous double leg break in Ireland’s draw with Wales on Friday night. A brilliant captain for his country, a dependable full-back for his club and we wish him a speedy recovery.

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy.

 

 

Tanline technology

What happens on a referee’s stag do?

Another weekend of controversy in the Premier League. Same as usual then, but not quite, this week many are blaming the lack of quality officiating on… A midweek stag do.

Indeed. Congrats Anthony Taylor, he’s bagged himself a bride. Imagine the scenes when we have a ‘Referee’s Wives’ reality show picked up, already sounds E4 ready doesn’t it.

So, the burning question, what happens on the stag do of a Premier League official? Well I’ve done some research (none) and I know (completely false) everything that goes on. Strap in team, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

03:00 – Alarm goes off and all referees wake up to the blow of a whistle and a small chorus of you’ll never walk alone belted out of their iPhone.

They’re up ridiculously early for their flight, obv, purely because they can only set the alarm for 3am by switching from their PM Premier League KO setting, it was this, 5:30 or 7:45 and we all know getting to Gatwick on a Monday morning is a mission.

3:50am – After some plain Weetabix (no milk) and a glass of room temperature tap water they book an Addison Lee, not Uber, too many horror stories and you get free Wi-Fi with Ad Lee.

5:20am – Picked up by Malcolm on the ninth hour of his twelve hour slog talking about a nightmare pick up he had in Slough with a former Arsenal player from the 70’s. “Yeah mate, but that’s what the game was like in those day’s they didn’t mind you having 11 pints after a home game, it was the culture”, sure, Malcolm.

6:50am – Arrive at Gatwick, straight to the check in desk (priority boarding, obv) to drop off the cases. Quirky bag selection from most officials emblzened with “The referee is always right, unless his wife says different” sticker on the front, classic.

7:10am – Through to the airport lounge for the carnage to commence.

7:20am – They’re all punctual and before long the entire squad is in attendance and they dust out the Pineapple juice for an early morning toast “What happens on tour… Stays on tour, but please remain in control of your body at all times and anything deemed reckless will receive a caution or immediate dismissal depending on severity at the discretion of the official.” LADS, LADS, LADS.

8:00am – The juice is flowing, the Guardian pull out decimated in the middle of the table and tunes blaring, it’s all going on. Just before the end of the ninth successive Dido record one pipes up “Lads, I know it’s a bit naughty but I’ve got us some liveners for the flight” … Without a second glance, all the refs simultaneously burst out laughing before diving into their bag (bookable offence) and slamming seven bags of Werthers Originals on the table. Utter scenes.

10:00 – A few more hours discussing how one of the nutters once switched ‘Magnolia’ for ‘Magenta’ on the shelves in Wickes and the PA announces it’s boarding time.

10:35 – A slight discussion once on board because all seven had requested seats by the emergency exits (just incase) but after pulling rank the Stag, Best Man and referee of the year get the nod and force the four other disgruntled officials into the middle row… No case for appeal.

14:50 – Steady flight, made easier by the Werthers and the fact Titanic was on demand. Nothing to note apart from a little rumble of turbulence but after the best man had a brief word with the pilot regarding his conduct, they steered in safely. They like a party these boys but no one stood up until the plane had come to a complete stop and the seat belt signed flashed off, they love a rule.

16:20 – Bags collected, rental car picked up (Nice roomy Zafira, spacious, economical, Sat-Nav included and enough boot room for their luggage and ego’s) they began tearing up the open road.

17:50 – Arrived at the hotel in perfect time. Sat-Nav said it was a 38 minute journey but sticking to the speed limit is essential and they stopped twice to allow ducks to cross the road.

18:00 – No time for niceties, bags dropped, tour tee’s slung on and bosh, they’re out for the night.

18:15 – They’d anticipated this time to the seconds so a booking at a local fish restaurant came in handy as they all sat down in their luminous yellow tour tee’s with ‘PL Playboys’ (In official Premier League lettering) strewn across the rear.

18:20 – No need for a second look at the menu, they guess what’s being served based on observation and feedback from one another. Clean Green Salad with extra anchovies and sparkling water ordered for all. Except one (Clatts like character, Brylcreem gushing from his fringe) who’s gone for a Lobster straddling a unicorn breast with a champagne cocktail, two umbrella’s and a spiral straw.

19:00 – Mains demolished, Bill split evenly seven ways (including 15% service charge and not a penny more) it’s time. Win or Lose, get on the booze.

19:15 – The first club they arrive at, bit too busy (Despite no-one being out at this time and just the staff inside), the DJ was wearing a snapback and playing house, no chance, straight out the door.

19:20 – Second option, €20 entry fee, NEXT.

19:25 – They spot it in the distance, an old haggard building with no queue. No fancy fake velvet rope, no steroid-throbbing bouncers, not a single Calvin Harris fan in sight. A traditional wooden sign, creaking in the wind, read ‘Jazz Club’… OIOI.

20:50 – They’ve made friends with Fritz the resident saxophonist who knew his way around a scrabble board too which erupted into a full blown tournament. A few dodgy words went down but ‘Play On’ the advantage was allowed before being brought back when ‘Swazz’ was put down.

21:15 – Getting late for the boys now but they’re loving it. One lad in the bar had one too many and whipped his shirt off swinging it around above his head. First booking, before repeatedly asking the barman for another drink resulted in his dismissal for dissent. Trudging out the door he appeared to flick a finger up at the group but the CCTV was no use as it was forbidden and their view was impeded by a wobbly barstool.

21:30 – Another contentious incident when the aforementioned barstool came crashing down after a collision with a new entrant to the club. Immediate action taken and a red card was brandished by the best man (he always carries his cards, once sent a courier off for delivering his parcel seven minutes before the allocated delivery time. Had to collect the parcel from the depot after an altercation but he didn’t regret a thing). Great banter.

22:05 – Five minutes into injury time and the best man calls time on the night out. Hands shook, a scrabble letter in the hand of one for three successive wins in the tournament and a wonderful evening all round.

22:30 – After a quick Horlics nightcap they stagger off to bed, smiles beaming on a job well done knowing that something special happened tonight and they were apart of it.

The morning greeted the referees with sunshine piercing through the curtains.

They may not have a hangover thanks to the Banana, paracetamol and large glass of water they left beside their bed last night but they had a story and they had to get home, they had a Premier League game to call tomorrow afternoon.

If you’ve got this far into this you’ll probably be aware of a few things. One I’m not the biggest supporter of referee’s and secondly it’s all in jest.

This is what we think a referee’s stag do should be like, right?

I mean, god forbid they actually are allowed a personal and private life off the pitch. Who do they think they are enjoying themselves on their days off between work, how dare they.

Give them a break, yes they make mistakes and I’m the biggest hypocrite in the world because I batter them for the slightest error but 90% of them are genuine, hard working professionals who get hung out to dry by their employer.

The FA need to act quickly on the escalating issues in the Premier League. Whether that is with TV reviews, more clarity on a number of rules and regulations or just further support for officials.

We need to be holding the players responsible too, however. The Ibrahimovic and Mings situation for one, both players will be retrospectively banned for their part in proceedings at Old Trafford this weekend but neither should have acted the way they did, allow the officials to officiate.

The ‘Respect Campaign’ didn’t work, booking players constantly for minor offences doesn’t work. Retrospective action doesn’t work. Until the risk outweighs the reward we will struggle to stamp out any wrongdoings or misdemeanors.

I’ve come up with not a single solution to this problem so if you’ve read this hoping for one I apologise but I’m not paid to conclude or fix the problem, the Football Association are.

Until there is a change we will consistently see refereeing errors (ironic, aye) because their job is monumentally hard but we do need to highlight how wrong some decisions are and how they cost teams because until it’s made apparent how much this is effecting our game we will not see anything done about it.

Thanks for reading,

Take it easy.

Let Me Be Your Fantasy… Football guide.

Friday evening is the biggest part of the day… Forget getting on the beers you have a big selection dilemma ahead of the Premier League this weekend.

Aguero or De Bruyne as captain? Will Ibrahimovic find the net again? Is Ozil destined to continue his scoring midweek form? (Spoiler, none of the above are in the team we’ve selected this weekend)

People not engrossed in an inter-work/group chat league will not understand but fear not, my intention is to help… Well, that’s my intentions; whether I actually do is a different matter.

I think the phrase ‘blind leading the blind’ comes into play now though because I’ve had a bang average start to the fantasy premier league season.

Also, we’ve tried to pick a different XI to the usual big name cluttering that usually appears, just to be different. If you decide to take none of this on-board and give David Silva the armband, I won’t be angry, I’ll just be disappointed.

So, between the sticks this weekend we’ve gone for Adrian of West Ham. The Spanish stopper hasn’t covered himself in glory, thus far, but a home tie against a toothless Sunderland (Defoe can’t do it all by himself, but he’s still trying bless him). Clean sheet incoming!

Hector Bellerin gets the nod at full back. His ferocious pace must keep opposing wingers awake at night. A nice home meeting at the Emirates against the Boro could see another unblemished defensive record. 36 points for the Spanish speed merchant too, so his marauding forward runs are hitting the spot.

Another Gunner in our armoury is Laurent Koscielny. He’s the top scoring defender this campaign and will undoubtedly add to his 43 points this weekend. Potential captain candidate.

Scott Dann sits alongside Koscielny as he takes the Palace to Champions Leicester City. Could be a tough afternoon If Slimani, Mahrez, Vardy and co are at it, especially after a good win in Europe this weekend, but their set-piece frailties could give Palace an edge. If you fancy big ol’ Danny boy to bag a goal this weekend (It might happen, he loves a header doesn’t he) at 20/1 there could be worse flutters.

The final member of the base is Bruno Martins Indi of Stoke City. The man with the most intense eyes in the Premier League. Not a big scorer really with just a measly 12 points on the board but Mark Hughes takes his Potters to leaky Hull City. The Tigers shipped six last week at Bournemouth and with just eight goals scored all season up the other end Bruno and his team mates’ points scoring could go through the roof.

Another Stoke man is the first name in the midfield. No surprise, arise Sir Joe of Allen. The Welsh Pirlo has been a revelation in the new advanced freedom afforded to him since his arrival and has bagged four already this campaign, the same total he managed in four seasons at Liverpool. It wouldn’t be unimaginable if he added to that tally against Hull tomorrow. A Joe Allen to score first and Stoke to win 2-0 scorecast is a tidy 60/1 too… That right there could be value of the weekend or the most bandwagon’ hopping bet I’ve ever laid eyes on, I can’t quite decide.

Adam Lallana is looking some player already this season. Twisting and turning his way through PL defences with ease. He’s so wriggly he’s like a bearded eel when on the ball. West Brom visit Anfield in Saturday’s late kick off and he could be key to Team Klopp splitting through the Baggies back line.

Man of the moment, Mr unfulfilled potential himself Theo Walcott is our captain this  week. His stop-start career is enjoying a purple patch recently and he is currently the top scoring midfielder in the Fantasy Premier League. Boro at home is a prime opportunity for Walcott to further continue his good form. Knowing Theo, he’ll now go on a barren run and not find the net until January so cherish that armband because it may not last long.

Gylfi Sigurdsson is the final man in the middle of the park. I’ve had a real soft spot for this player ever since he exploded into the Reading side as a teen and his display with Iceland at the Euros is further proof this lad is no joke. 31 points so far with a £7.2million price tag isn’t exactly the best return but a new gaffer in charge of the Swans and a home tie against Watford could be the kick-start they are after. Untouchable quality in both boots, he takes free-kicks and pens so points are always a real chance with this lad. Not great value in the odds market but Gylfi to score anytime is 15/8… Apparently the good deals aren’t in Iceland this weekend.

Diego Costa is the Barclays Premier League’s number 1 marksman this season with the Brazilian born bully bagging seven times already. It’s a tough task to score against Mourinho’s United, especially on the special one’s return to the bridge, but he’ll relish the physical tussle with Bailly (you know he will, probably too much, both players to get booked 21/10). At £10.2 million he is a luxury buy but many will be scared off by the visit of United so if he does continue his form we could be the benefactors. A lot of betting around Costa has good value. 4/1 first goalscorer, same price for last goalscorer, 5/1 for him to find the net twice and if you think he’ll blow his top he’s 18/1 to be sent off… Although, contrary to general perception he hasn’t been sent off in a game since 2010. (Disclaimer, he’s still a bit of a bastard but we love him)

Romelu Lukaku is the man hunting down Costa’s heels for the golden boot. Just one goal behind the Chelsea man, Lukaku’s slow start to the season has well and truly been put to bed. Romelu is best when he’s at his arrogant best and the way he breezed past Clichy for his goal last weekend shows the lad is on flames. Six of Everton’s eleven PL goals have come from the Belgian and an away tie at Burnley means he’ll need to be on his game if they’re to break down Shaun Dyche’ stubborn clarets.

Adrian
(West Ham)

Bellerin – Dann – Koscielny – Pieters
(Arsenal) (Palace) (Arsenal) (Stoke)

Walcott © – Sigurdsson – Allen – Lallana
(Arsenal) (Swansea) (Stoke) (Liverpool)

Costa – Lukaku
(Chelsea)  (Everton)

 There’s our XI and with just over £25mil still in the bank you could either save that for next week or splash out on a few luxuries for the bench.

Our big focus of the weekend is obviously the late Sunday afternoon match up between Antonio Conte’s Chelsea and Jose’s United. A dominant performance against Leicester last weekend and a new-found solidity with three/five at the back gives the Blues a real rested confidence heading into the tie. United have played twice since Chelsea kicked a ball but are coming into the game off the back of a stern defensive showing at Anfield and a convincing 4-1 home win vs Fenerbache in Europe.

The Kante/Pogba battle will be one for the neutrals. Two goals in midweek for the world’s most expensive dabber (Except Irene from Littlehampton who won the full house on Monday night… Bingo reference, didn’t land did it? Soz.) but Kante and his Duracell engine will ensure he hasn’t got time to settle. Let’s be fair, it all depends on how Mourinho wants the game to go. If he wants a point, like Monday, they will shut the game off and get your zzzz’s in because it’ll be a stalemate. If United open up and go for the win we could have a classic on our hands.

Jose to be sent to the stands is an interesting price at 28/1 or if you think he’ll get confused on his return to the bridge and do a Ron Atkinson (No, not that) and take a seat in the wrong dugout you’ll get a 50/1 return.

It wouldn’t be a Premier League weekend without one of your acca letting you down… Bayern Munich in the early KO last week, cheers boys.

It’s not about gambling, it’s about having fun so if you are over 18, and a responsible being, there are a couple of tasty prices you could take advantage of (although, with my track record I wouldn’t be tucking into these without a proper sit down)

A nice little 6/1 if you fancy BTTS and Palace to upset the Champions. It’s just one defeat in six for the Eagles and Leicester, despite their European antics, find their league form stumbling.

The North Londoners are going strong. Spurs and Arsenal both head into tomorrow heavy favorites and in fine form so a 5/1 double generates a pretty good price if you fancy both to win without conceding.

 How’s your luck been? Feeling good? Okay then, give this a whirl.

BTTS & draw – Swansea/Watford,
Everton away win,
Stoke away win,
West Ham home win,
Liverpool home win,

 Unlikely, yes but at 33/1 is it worth chancing?

 Let’s hope even if everything above is completely wrong and we have a torrid of a weekend there are plenty of mistakes for Alan Shearer to have a pop at on MOTD.

Thankyou for reading, be clever, take it easy and all the best.

Turning The Mid-Tables

Another solemn summer, annoying autumn and yet another notch in the great English depression. Sam Allardyce departed for his off-field business dealings, The FA’s synthetic computer generated product Gareth Southgate now leading the Lions and a Captain who can’t get a look in at club level. Check the family tree, you might get lucky, your great great grandfather may have been half Welsh and then it’s all aboard the Bale bandwagon.

Fair to say it’s pretty bleak right about now, as if we weren’t already pessimistic about the future of our game, it’s far from the beautiful one we bang on about. If anything it’s the equivalent of that 38-year-old woman at 3am outside the nightclub, kebab in hand, shouting about how Jamie was the best boyfriend even though they broke up six-years ago and he’s now married with children.

We aren’t in the best state and the Euro 2016 hangover is just beginning to fade. So what is our bacon sandwich? What makes everything okay again and gives us that blind optimism that we will of course win the World Cup in two years time?

A 2-0 home win over 178^th ranked part-timers Malta didn’t quite set the taste buds into a drawl, nor did a tedious 0-0 stalemate in Slovenia, so where next.

The probable answer is exactly the same as every underperforming competition; back to the same tired and tested squad that dropkicked our souls into an Icelandic abyss a few months ago.

There are a few glints of hope within the squad as Pep Guardiola seems to have cuddled Raheem Sterlings’ ego back in from the cold at club level and Jordan Henderson now looks like a proper midfielder, like, with accurate passing and everything. I know, miracles do happen.

However there are some that have a lot to do if they’re keen to remain out of the back pages and in the starting XI.

And it begins with our leader Wayne Rooney. Finally dropped by club and country after a string of underperforming months his decline is an ever-present reminder that we missed a golden opportunity to achieve when he was at the peak of his goalscoring powers.

The vice-captain Gary Cahill is another of the senior heads who need to take a look in the, probably cracked, mirror. Constantly careless in possession, lacking in decisive clarity and about as sturdy as a student union toilet door.

Joe Hart seems to have finally stitched on his hands after the tournament in France and his scintillating display in Slovenia surely proved, once again, he is still a valuable member of the Southgate plan. And he’s only playing in Italy, it’s not as big a step down as the Pep loving papers will have you believe.

The FA maintain their philosophy of playing through the thirds which benefits the new breed, especially John Stones whose ball playing stance will please the football purists. However his human turnstile performance (lets everybody through) in the last international still leaves a lot of room for growth, but his ability is obvious and once he settles we will have one helluva player on our hands.

What we need is an identity. Do we want to be a luscious, possession-based bulldozer who finish every match with 70% of the ball and dominate from the outset? Like a Spain who, for all their admirers and stunning stroked passing game do sometimes border on boring.

Or do we want to set up like a Leicester City side who know how to win games, play to their strengths within the squad and release a quick passage of play with a sharp cutting, clinical edge. We have the pace, we have the clinical finishers but is our football snobbery preventing our tactical progression.

It’s not about our limited resources which some pundits will have you believe, a wise old football coach once told me “It’s not where you look, it’s how you use your eyes”… Still not quite sure what he was on about then but I’m pretty sure here the reference would be to look further than your nose.

The England squad announcement will be made and the majority will be from Spurs, Liverpool, Manchester United, City, Arsenal and Chelsea, that’s usually how it goes with a couple of outside additions to keep the public barks quiet and down to just a disgruntled growl.

Why is this a common factor? Is this where the problems start or finish?

Performances this season, baring in mind it’s only the shallow end of the campaign, have shown the homegrown talent is there and thriving in our top flight.

Charlie Austin is the standout performer thus far. He’s tucked away four of the nine league goals the Saints have scored and looks ready for the next step. Another two notches in the Europa League have further proven his ability to stick it between the posts but still finds a flurry of misfiring Lions ahead of him in the pecking order.

If you were building the perfect versatile wideman, you’d build a Michail Antonio. Powerful, strong, technically sound and a keen eye for goal the West Ham lad is on the cusp of a first cap. He’s been included in the past two squads but is still awaiting that first outing in an England strip. His form is unignorable too, contributing to 56% of the Hammers goals but, similar to Austin, still finds a few unshiftable faces ahead of him in Southgates plans.

There are countless options if you withdraw the ‘Big Six’ so perhaps its time to rid the hierarchy bias and allow the opportunity to a wider pool of players.

Scott Dann has captained Palace to an FA Cup final and a strong start under Alan Pardew, could he be an option to solidify a newfound defensive structure.

Michael Keane is another young defensive option who has impressed for Burnley and could be after a valid choice if called upon.

Troy Deeney, Junior Stanislas, and Danny Simpson have all also endured a flourished start but the chances of their respective call-ups are probably on par with Sam Allardyce’s run for parliament.

Ultimately none of us have the answers so it’s our responsibility to examine every option, no matter how ludicrous or unimaginable it may seem.

I don’t buy in to the whole ‘mental baggage’ argument that due to previous national team failings the players head into tournaments with an expectation to fail, no chance. If you started a new job and was told the person who did that job before you was awful and underperformed, would you pack it in then and go home? No, you’d be buoyed by the challenge to step up and raise the bar.

The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result… Or to give it a 2016 football reference, putting Harry Kane on free-kicks and expecting a Juninho Pernambucano thunderbolt to nestle in the top bracket after he’d shanked the previous three into the floodlights. Nice one Roy, that worked a dream but like you said yourself you had no idea what you were doing.

At this point in time, and for the foreseeable future we are, and will remain unless something drastically changes, a country in transition that refuses to change.